Saturday 21 June 2014

A Gulf of Words

It's funny how language, an instrument designed to bring us closer together, can sometimes do the opposite instead. For instance, today in the supermarket I overheard a conversation that made me feel profoundly alone.

The conversation was between two women I didn't know. They greeted each other but were both in a hurry. One said she'd give the other a bell, (already a chill feeling of isolation began to fold itself around me, as that particular turn of phrase struck my ears - especially as it was accompanied by the gesture that involves holding a hand up to your face to, supposedly, resemble a telephone receiver being picked up). Yes, said the other, lets grab a coffee, (not a coffee, a cup of coffee, I refrained from interrupting them to point out),  when the kids are at pre-school. We can have a really good chinwag then.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh, euuuuuuuuuuuw.

She said, 'CHINWAG'!


Yet, so far as I could see, no-one else  in the shop had so much as flinched in the face of this horrible occurrence. Furthermore, time had not stopped. Not even one thunderbolt had come crashing through the striplit ceiling to strike the speaker down either.

Which was when it was - not for the first time, of course, (but most of the time I'm in denial) - borne in on me that I'm all by myself in a world where those I thought were my fellows remain calm in the face of dreadful words like 'chinwag'. Not one other person was shuddering or writhing or terrifying small children by gurning with horror as the frightful word echoed round the shelves of dry-goods and pre-dinner snacks.

 No-one understands me. No-one. I bet you don't either. I bet you're saying right at this moment, 'Oh Zed, aren't you getting a tad over-excited?'

To which I say, 'Tad'? Please, call the ambulance. Now I've really been pushed too far.'.

7 comments:

  1. Chinwag doesn't bother me - probably because it's not a neologism. However, 'tad' makes my blood pressure reach dangerously high levels. Where did it come from?

    But the word which really grates - and I know I'm on a losing wicket here - is 'guys'. I was at a pub in Hammersmith the other week and a young barman with a silly beard and even sillier tattoos said "What can I get you guys?" I took a very deep breath.

    Fortunately, there are still a few pubs where this pseudo-egalitarian nonsense hasn't taken hold, but I know it's only a matter of time.

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    1. Steerforth -- "you guys" and "guys" is so common on this side of the Atlantic that it has almost stopped registering with me. It's ridiculous.

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  2. I wish I didn't have to admit this, but in the spirit of honesty I have to acknowledge that that 'guys' guy was almost certainly Australian, (probably from Sydney)

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  3. In the U.S., at least, the word "amazing" is all but dead. It drives me mad. Everything is "amazing:" boyfriends, salads, symphonies, socks, supernovas... Worse, it is used so much that there seems to be an emerging proper way to say it. One has to start on the "upbeat" as it were and fall hard onto the "a" and one has to pronounce the middle "a" as "ee." Thus: "...AHmeeezing." Makes me want to tear up flowers.

    Also -- worst that "a tad" is "a tad-bit." That makes me herbicidal, too.

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    1. I was about to write a blog post, but your cruel introduction into my consciousness of 'tad-bit' has sent me reeling. I will have to go to find my smelling salts before I can proceed.

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  4. I have found that everything here in the colonies is, as the Lego Movie tells us, "awesome." In an age in which nothing seems even to surprise anyone, this doesn't seem to be quite the right word.

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    1. Hello, thank you for dropping by - I've now discovered your blog and am going to go straight over to read your post about Auden, one of my heroes. Was there ever a clearer, saner mind?

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