Send in the Clowns

Australian politics is growing madder by the day. First, the redoubtable (such a good word that, its veneer of positivity masking, in this instance anyway, a bemused and disrespectful astonishment) Clive Palmer throws his hat in the ring (although, in the hat department, no-one can really compete with Bob Katter).

Then Pauline Hanson re-emerges from hiding to offer us her dubious services as a representative. Having had the pleasure of struggling with her speeches during her brief time as a member of Australia's House of Representatives - she was among the figures who made me wonder whether being a Hansard editor wasn't really a bit immoral, as I laboured to transform garbled half-baked utterances into something that would give future readers the impression of articulacy and even commonsense (dealing with Bob Katter's burblings usually presented an identical ethical conundrum) - I, if only out of sympathy for all my former colleagues still working at the Hansard coalface, will not be taking up her invitation.

Finally, we have the reappearance of that round-faced goon who in 2007 somehow led the nation into a collective delusion unequalled in our nation's history (unless you count the brief period when we actually believed that Little Britain was amusing). The press are now touting the likelihood that before the next week is out he will once again be our PM.

Shudder.

But what can you do, in the face of such horror? The answer, obviously, is: take a stand.

Which is why I now offer to the Australian public my own manifesto, my vision for our country, my pledge, if you vote for me.  I've already outlined two of the pillars of my vision for the country - one and two. My other major policy initiatives would be:

1. To make public transport something that, like sewerage, is just a given, rather than a service that somehow has to operate as a business. Thus, public transport would be free and efficient and no-one would start muttering about how much it costs. Trains would run more regularly and to more places. Old country stations would be opened up, providing rural employment. Conductors would operate on trams once more.

2. Plastic throwaway biros would be banned and everyone would have to write with fountain pens. Not only would this have a beneficial effect on the environment, it would lead to a reinvigorating of the blotting paper industry, which has been languishing for years.

3. Abolish all the horrible little stickers they've started whacking onto fruit (except these, because they are adorable). The people who become unemployed as a result of this measure can be redeployed to blotting paper factories.

Other policies may follow, but these seem pretty good to me, to be going on with. Let me know if I've overlooked any areas of pressing need.