Tuesday, 13 April 2010


The vacuum cleaner has been forced through the kneehigh grunge, dust has been removed in shovel loads, steaming pails of water have been brought in and skirting boards and windowpanes have been cleared of detritus and polished until they sparkle in the sunlight we didn't even realise was there. Yes, we have people coming to stay.
And so from now until Sunday there will be daily performances of Breakfast and Dinner in the dining room, during which neither of the central characters will hint at their better known works involving sofas and televisions and the flopping down on one and the eating of meals in front of the other or that equally popular piece involving bed and cups of tea and racing out of the house at the last minute without anything to eat at all. Oh no. The task at hand is the creation of the - entirely false -illusion that this is a household where standards are kept up.
It puts me in mind of one of my favourite scenes from the greatest work of literature of the twentieth century:
'... you are xpected to be xactly like wee tim especially when mater's grate skool friend mabel entwhistle (prothero that was) pay a visit with her tiny dorter chiz chiz chiz. On that morning all boys cats dogs parots sparos and owls are turned into the garden while house is polished and mabel entwhistle's foto is brought out of the boxroom. Boys glue their noses against windows and are finaly admited.
'Do not the house look luvly, nigel' sa yore mater.
'But it never look like this reely it is just an empty facade.'
'O.K.,' sa youre mater. 'But let's keep it that way, see? Otherwise there's liable to be trubble. Look at yore knees.'
i do not kno why boys are always told to look at their knees it is dashed dificult. In fact the only way is to lie on yore back and pull yore knees up. Maters, however, are liable to get batey if you do this in the sitting room just before ma entwhistle arive becos they see wot is on the soles of yore shoes. Too repulsive, my dear.
Procedure: Ho to the bathroom. Out flanel and wipe geting most off. Brush front of hair and leave back. Gaze in mirror at yore strange unatural beauty. Report hopefully. Back agane. Scrub nails. Leave tap runing and soap in bottom of basin. Sa look at ickle pritty to molesworth 2 who hav to put on blue corduroys cheers cheers cheers cheers. Report back and granted certificate of hygene (ist Class Honours) also gold medal antwerp exhibition 1899.
Pijaw. Mater then give pi-jaw e.g. Now you will behave nicely won't you nigel and you won't do wot you did to cicely last time.
Oh no mater rather not.
You promise?
Oh yes and i will sa nothing about her dolly either.
And you will not shout Cave Cave here they come when they ring the bell? You will not repeat wot Daddy sa at breakfast about mabel entwhistle? Nor sa rice pud ugh at lunch?
No No dearest mama perish the thort.
You had better not, rat.
The works. Mabel entwhistle arive in a super car a bentley or aston martin which show that mr entwhistle have a clue or 2 which is more than pop hav. Women thro themself into each others arms like guided missiles.
'Darling darling (chiz) how lovely to see you after all these years.'
Visitor then gaze about as if she have never seen anything more beaituful in the world in space.
'How swete your house is!
(Thinks: a dump)
nigel! this must be nigel! Wot a good-looking boy.
(Thinks: Ugh.)
'And your younger boy how luvley.'
If anyone can call molesworth 2 luvely you know she is telling a whoper even blue corduroy trousers do not make him into bubles not by a long chalk so it show how empty and artifical ect. hem hem.
Enter CICELY entwhistle.
YOUR MATER: 'Ciceley! She's already a beauty. Such hair Such eyes' ect.
(Thinks: Gosh wot a plane child.)
And so it go on the lunch is cold molesworth 2 drop the sprouts ciceley can't eat the steak and all larff wot screams children are to be sure ....'


  1. "Out flanel and wipe geting most off. Brush front of hair and leave back. Gaze in mirror at yore strange unatural beauty."

    made me laugh out loud!! I love Molesworth too! (but not molesworth 2)

  2. Worm - I specially love 'Gaze in mirror at yore strange unatural beauty' and 'Gosh what a plane child' and 'certificate of hygene (ist Class Honours) also gold medal antwerp exhibition 1899.'

  3. I like 'But it never look like this reely it is just an empty facade.'

  4. Brit - for some reason I also like '(prothero that was)'