Blokemanship

This weekend I have been taking a crash course in how to be a proper Australian bloke. This is what I've learnt so far:

1. Always talk with complete confidence - make sure your voice booms, never allow yourself quiet asides or conversations that are not performances aimed at the largest audience possible;

2. Ensure you have an unshakeable opinion on every subject. The following statements capture the kind of tone you want to achieve: 'Oh mate, Johnno was a legend'; 'Fuck no, you don't want to get the AX59, it's a piece of shit, mate; you've got to go for the SL70'; 'The selectors should never have gone for Sitrione, he's always been a numpty';

3. Try to restrict your conversation to the topics of sport and consumer goods. If you do allow yourself to wander off into areas such as the arts - 'AC-DC are the best thing Australia ever produced', for example - maintain the correct degree of vehemence and do not allow irritating facts, eg the UK origins of the AC-DC band members, to deflect you for an instant from your position;

4. Always have an ample supply of anecdotes about yourself at the ready. Ideally, these should involve stories about stupid, dangerous activity, involving a group of reckless, possibly inebriated, blokes, with you as the central figure, (although you must always play down your own importance and bravery - and, vitally, the whole escapade, no matter how much pain may have been suffered by you or others as a result, should be presented as a huge joke). If you have an impressive scar, it can be a useful opening gambit for the telling of this kind of tale. Don't point it out yourself though; just yawn or stretch or remove your jumper in such a way that it is suddenly revealed. Someone will then be sure to ask you how you got it, and you're away.

If you really cannot muster anything at all in this vein, (in which case you are starting your quest for blokedom with a considerable disadvantage), at least make the effort to present the events of your life - no matter how dull - in such a way that they are transformed into episodes in a kind of mythologised odyssey.

For example, if someone asks you why you support a particular team, don't say, 'They've got a player I like.' Instead, shape a saga round your decision: "Oh, well, it was about twelve years ago now, when I was still working over at Mudgee, and my boss at the time - Eric Musselton, top bloke, really top bloke, once you got to know him - he said to me, 'Barnesy, d'you want to come round and watch the soccer at my house?' and I said, 'I'm not watching that shit, mate, that's for wogs' and he said, 'Mate, you're talking through your arse,' and I said, 'You must be joking,' and he said, 'I'll throw in free beer,' and I said, 'You're on,', because, me, I'll go anywhere for a free beer, (everyone knows that). And so I go round to his place, and he has this unreal TV - one of those really massive jobs, it must have been 90" easy, I am not kidding ...." (story goes on for 15 minutes, with many colourful twists and turns re who drank what, who else qualified as a top bloke and who didn't, who claimed what about which player and which player turned out to be definitively the best, leading you to select his team as the one you would honour with your support).

Of course, all this newfound knowledge is never going to be of any use to me, since I am, after all, a girl. It is for this reason that I am now passing it on. I know there are people out there who can only dream of blokedom at the moment and so I hope what I've discovered may help them.

In saying that, I feel I should also add a warning, which is this: it seems to me that being a bloke is a tough and demanding role. It involves vigilance and considerable strain, if you are to consistently maintain the correct appearance. Most importantly, intimacy of any kind is out of the question for true blokes, because they must never let their guard down. That makes blokedom a lonely road to choose.

In conclusion, I suppose if I had to boil down what I've learnt to one central all-embracing piece of advice, it would be this: never for one fraction of an instant allow anyone to detect a scintilla of vulnerability in your personality (or, to put it possibly more blokishly, 'Never, ever let the buggers get a glimpse of the whites of your eyes.')