Thursday, 15 September 2011

Social Solution

Have you ever given a party and then wished all your guests would go away? Have you invited people for dinner and found yourself, after a few hours in their company, yawning and longing for sleep, while all around you your companions are uncorking further bottles, dancing, singing and generally settling in for a long and noisy night?

Of course, you can choose to leave your guests to it and retire upstairs. The problem is that, when you come down in the morning, you never know what you will find (in the early eighties, for instance, an artificial leg left on the stairs by a Canadian diplomat who had spent most of the previous evening telling me he'd hated me when he first met me but now he'd discovered I wasn't stuck up at all [the background music of my youth that one - people discovering they liked me only when they got really, really drunk] very nearly resulted in my tipping headlong to an untimely death).

Far better therefore to nip the problem in the bud and make sure all carousers are off the premises before you turn in. But surely that is easier said than done? Not now, thanks to the ZMKC surefire method for ending a party. There is no need for complicated equipment. Training is unnecessary. All that is required is a single recording of this man:

His name is Chad Morgan and his effect is miraculous. Five or ten bars into any of his songs and a hush falls over proceedings. Sometimes a few feeble protests - along the lines of 'What the hell is this' and 'Can't you turn off that horrible noise' - erupt, but these are followed inevitably by an understanding that retreat is the only option. Coats are found, farewells are made and people stumble out into the night. You close the front door and breathe a sigh of relief. At last, you are alone.


  1. People's "taste" in music never ceases to amaze me. A comment under the video you linked to: "TOP LYRICS,TOP SINGER,THANKS FOR SHARING IT." In short, if you ever invite the commenter over for a party, beware: you could find yourself sitting in you living room alone with him at 3 am listening to the complete discography of Chad Morgan.

  2. Shame on you, Chris: the Sheikh from Scrubby Creek, aka Chad Morgan, is a top bloke - one might even say an 'icon' (why do you think we possess a recording of him in the first place? [bought, astonishingly, for one euro in a remainders bin in Munich {yes, that's right, Munich, Germany}])- but there's a time and a place for him, and he is definitely best savoured alone (and never in the company of non-Australians).

  3. I'm just a lovable lad. ARRR, ARRR,ARRARARARARAA RAA RAAAHH.

    We had the 78. Along with Slim Whitman. He's here.

  4. I've forgotten what we had, but I sort of miss it. We are going to a party tonight and I was hoping I could take Chad along and slip him onto their turntable when I want to go home (I've not tried a reverse pike like that before) - but, along with all the other records in our house, he's been purged.